love | Manaui

10 ways to heal a broken heart

First and foremost, let’s define what a “heartache” is:

An emotion so mind blowing and heart-shattering that you just wanna walk into the ocean and keep walking till your lungs cease to work.

Are we straight on what a heartache is now? We’re not talking about your 3 month fling that didn’t work out because you can’t keep your wandering eye, tamed. No. We’re talking about a commitment you and another person made to one another and then something outrageous happened forcing you to part ways.

ONE … Cry your eyes out. Or rather, cry out all your saved up tears. Yeah, that’s a good way to look at it. All the tears you saved up for a “good cry” can now be used. There’s something in a human’s make up that allow the unloading of burdensome emotions to be done refreshingly thru crying. Don’t ask me why but have you ever cried your eyes out till you felt like you’d dried them up? Didn’t it feel good afterwards? No? Then you didn’t cry enough. Cry some more. Trust me, it helps. There’s no logical need for emotions to be bottled up once you’ve been broken… none. So release it and see if it don’t make you feel loads lighter.

TWO … Eat a good fatty meal. Most times when we’re broken hearted, we lose interest in the basic functions that keep us alive… eating, sleeping, showering, etc… If you can mindfully get yourself a good hearty 3 course meal, devour it, get yourself in that “food-coma” feeling… aahh man! Thawing yourself from that gives you time enough to release the tension of pain that’s drowning you from inside. Trust me, it helps. It isn’t something you want to do every day, oh no! Just once or twice when you’re going thru the motions. Don’t make it a habit coz you’ll not only be heartbroken, but you’ll be an overly obese one at that.

THREE … Have random sex. Ok this one is a bit tricky coz some of you reading this are not too good about the wording “random” … uhm, ok, let’s skip this one and we’ll re-visit it again… there’s still seven steps left. We’ll see how we come back to this… if may just be one for the Scorpions *wink wink*

FOUR … Delete them from your ONLINE activities. Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, etc… whatever you’ve got them on or whatever you two had accounts that was shared delete it now! Change ALL your passwords on everything: Emails, SoundCloud, Netflix, Voicemail, etc… EVERYTHING. All electronic devices, all wireless activities you have, change ALL your access codes, etc… Most of the “things” you two shared has an everlasting connection to this person that you are BROKEN over. Since it is physically (and emotionally) impossible to UN-break something (or someone), the only thing left to do is to remove and discard what it was that broke it. In this case, delete their electronic prints from your life.

FIVE … Choose a NEW activity for yourself. Something that you did not do together but have always had an interest in… do it now and do it by yourself. Don’t pick up another “potential” right now… this time is YOUR time so make the most of it. For example, do you like dancing? Learn how to dance the hula professionally … or even get one of your girlfriend’s cousin’s sister that does it professionally to hook you up and teach you how to hula. Something DIFFERENT and NEW just for YOU. You don’t have to scratch off all your other activities you had before with your EX but keep away from doing it with them directly. If you use to play volleyball together, go find another gym to play at or try another game with other types of balls. There’s plenty to choose from. Soccer, Tennis, Rugby, etc…

SIX … Keep a journal. If you’re like most heartbroken people, we close out the world. We don’t want to talk to anyone let alone have someone talk to us, telling us all the cliché things people say to other people going thru heartache and pain: time heals; eFF em they didn’t deserve you; they’ll come back; maybe this is for the best; AND ON and ON and ON …. You ain’t got time for that mess. BUT you do have time with yourself so WRITE OUT your emotions… the pain, the frustrations, the angst, the disgust … write it all out. It’s therapeutic really… writing is. Most people don’t know this but writing truly is one of the best methods of healing. It’s also fun to keep it around for months or years even, come back to it and read how you felt or what kind of person you were when you were going thru that ordeal. Some of us grow emotionally and become stronger afterwards; some become bitter… don’t be bitter, just wRyyyyde it out 🙂

SEVEN … Make TIME for YOU. Some people think that the best way to heal a broken heart is to hop right into another relationship. Fill the void quickly so you don’t feel so much pain. Yeah no, that’s not a good idea. It’s like filling a hole in the ground of dirt with water… all you get it mud. See? More mess than necessary. Take this time alone to appreciate who you are, alone. There’s a difference to being “LONELY” and being “ALONE”. Don’t get it twisted. You can be around a crowd of people and still feel lonely. Being alone is a choice. A decision consciously made NOT to dwell on the broken heart but to realize that being ALONE allows you to be exactly WHO and WHAT you are, no holds bar. Leave the toilet seat up or down, or take it off the hinges. Sing off key in the car and sing loudly! Eat only the meat and push the veggies to the side. Eat breakfast for dinner AND lunch. Do whatever makes you LAUGH OUT LOUD. Appreciate your quirkiness that you’ve hidden because it was too weird to share it with someone else.

EIGHT … Okay let’s go back to that RANDOM sex part. Are you a virgin saving yourself for your future spouse? Ok, you can SKIP this part… but if you wanna stay to sneak a peek, I won’t tell. Sex is (for the most part) the last part of oneself that they share with the other person… so it’s been said *coughs. If you want to “heal yourself” from this brokenness you’re going thru… this is the part you want do first and ONLY. Get it? No relationship seeking with this act. Just do the deed, hopefully it’s enjoyable, say thank you and get to stepp’n. Don’t dwell on this act… it’s an innate process that helps in the healing. Still don’t get it? Ok, listen… when we’re broken and left dismayed and wounded, our first feeling is abandonment and with that comes the questioning of our desirability… is ANYONE going to want me anymore? The quicker you squash the doubt of appeal, the faster you can go on to the rest of the healing process. It WAS number three but sometimes, I forget not all women are Scorpions and not all men are Dogs 🙂

NINE … Make a CHANGE in your appearance. It doesn’t matter if it’s your hair color or hair style, but change something about you that makes people STOP and take a second look at you. Don’t be overly dramatic to the point it makes you look insane. Even a subtle change in your everyday look will have others pause and smile if nothing else, just to let you know, they noticed. For men, it could be a different tie color? Something you’d not normally wear. Or a different way you style your hair. Maybe new shoes that give you a lift? Make you look taller. Have others look UP to you to smile and even if they can’t figure it out, it’s a good ice breaker to get people to stop and chat a bit. A change you make about yourself that attracts a positive reaction, is all part of the healing process letting you know, change can be good.

TEN … Forgive yourself. Then forgive whomever broke your heart. Not the religious type? You don’t have to be religious to forgive. Start with forgiving yourself… even if you’re not the cause of the break up, you were still half a part of the whole, thus making half of the break, your fault. We don’t realize it when it happens but we always take up half (if not all) of the blame for a failed relationship. So start with giving yourself a break… some things in life, weren’t meant to last forever. When you’ve settled your guilt to being free… Free your EX from whatever they did, to you, to the family, to the kids, to whomever else was involved with the break up. There is an ABSOLUTE freedom that comes with allowing yourself to FORGIVE someone who’s wronged you. Don’t believe me? Try it. I guarantee, if you forgive whole heartedly and sincerely… you will feel the weight of the world, FALL from your shoulders. There’s NO logic in holding on to hatred or guilt or resentment when it can NEVER un-BREAK your broken heart.

Technically there’s only NINE listed coz the random sex part got revisited so imma use these next few lines as a personal testimony from yours truly 🙂 so that you reading, know that the ME that’s writing knows a little about this subject matter I’m keying on. For me? It’s hard to take advice about being an alcoholic from someone’s who’s not drank a drop of liquor in their life… feel me? You can counsel from books of teaching but you can’t speak from the heart about something that you’ve not lived thru. I’ve lived thru TWO major heartbreaks in my life and I am proof in anyone’s pudding that … there IS healing for hearts that break in two or in pieces.

I was married for 10 yrs to my high school sweetheart. We have two beautiful sons that are 9 yrs apart. Our first born solidified my commitment to my husband, if nothing else did. Our second born was the last in a number of failed pregnancies, forced abortions and tragic miscarriages. For ten years I held on to a man that refused to love me completely, while in the same breath claiming he couldn’t live without me. His infidelity thru out our marriage broke me into so many pieces, I bounced back stronger than ever from each one. The last act that finally shattered my heart was when he questioned if he was the father of when I was pregnant in our 9th year of marriage. Putting aside the fact that it was his adultery with numerous women that broke up our home numerous times… he had the audacity to accuse me of being unfaithful. Not wanting to break up my kids, I stayed married until after our 2nd child was born so he could see for himself that he was wrong… then I went and filed for divorce.
My second break? I’m still trying to healing from 🙂

When it’s all said and done… the process of healing lies in YOUR choices. Do you want to be free of the pain that’s driving you mad? Do you wish to continue grinding your teeth whenever you see your EX? Do you like all that UN-necessary drama in your life? No? Then make a choice to allow healing into your life starting with one simple act . . . just breathe.

How dealing with autism has made my life more enjoyable

by Linda | Essays, Our People

My son Caleb is nearly 13 years old. Since his diagnosis of Autism Spectrum Disorder at the age of 4, our family has been privileged to grow and learn with him as he deals with everyday living.

Caleb has Global Developmental Delay & Severe Language Disorder which makes everyday communication for him challenging. His speech is intelligible enough to us, as we “speak Caleb”. To anyone else outside of family or school, he may be hard to understand, as he speaks with an enunciated lisp and tends to speak about many different things at once, so his intentions are not always clear. Caleb’s pragmatic language skills are severely impaired, so he is unable to say things and do things in the appropriate manner to communicate effectively with the world around him.

Caleb has no sense of personal space or the relevance of quiet time at night. Recently he woke us at 3 a.m. to show us his “cool drawing” – he has been told many times not to wake us during the night unless he needs us or there is an emergency. This is a work in progress. When Caleb gets excited, everybody has to know why!

Recently Caleb learned a new ‘magic trick’, that involved bending the two opposing thumbs and covering the joint as you pull them apart like they have been severed. As soon as Caleb hears the word magic, this trick is shown to everybody within earshot, and he laughs repeatedly like he’s seen it for the first time…every time!

When taking Caleb swimming at the local pool, he always gets so excited about going, so much so one woman once asked if it was his first time. He’s standing beside me with his fists clenched in excitement, bouncing on the balls of his feet, with a hundred watt grin!

Caleb is also very literal. One day after being upset at being told to go to bed early, he left us a note saying he was running away to find a new family. We searched frantically for an hour when police advised us he was 5 houses up the road. He had knocked on a stranger’s door with tears streaming down his face and proclaimed, “My name is Caleb Busby and I need a new family.” It was our good fortune these people were kind enough to invite him in while they alerted the police, as they had no idea where he had come from.

Advising Caleb of appropriate behaviour normally happens a few days in advance of any event he will be attending. This is reinforced throughout the week leading up to the event and even right before we disembark from the car at the event. No matter how much he has been told though, he will forget, and that again is part of his condition.

Being a part of a big family has been advantageous for Caleb growing up, though he has had to cope with a pecking order that is inevitable in large families. As the youngest of 6 boys, he is conveniently sandwiched in age between his two sisters. While his younger sister is 3 years his junior, he has accepted that she outranks him too, and the girls seem to have unwittingly accepted the responsibility of supervising his actions, speech and behaviour in our absence. This has meant he has someone to watch over him as he does his chores to ensure it is being done right and to the expected standard.

We have tried to raise Caleb like the rest of his siblings. He will attend church, school and participate in family activities like everyone else. He will mostly eat what is given him and will dress appropriately. When he was younger he refused to wear clothes as it hurt his skin. Now, Caleb tends to stick to his favourite pieces of clothing. Despite the variety hanging in his wardrobe, sometimes making him change his clothes after he’s determined what he’s wearing to an event can be fuel for a meltdown. So we pick our battles. For the most part, he can wear what he wants as long as it’s clean and not too wildly inappropriate, like the plastic water gun he wants to take to the mall to play Halo in real life.

Having Caleb stay on task requires constant supervision and encouragement. If he finds activities overwhelming then gentle persuasion and an explanation (again) of why it is required has to be given. If he understands and accepts the explanation he will attempt the task; this doesn’t always mean he will be able to complete the task. However, the fact that he will attempt it is a huge success in itself. If he doesn’t accept your explanation then tears, feet stomping and loud wailing will ensue… And he can hold the hurt for a whole day.

We as parents are not immune to the negative reactions to Caleb’s quirkiness. We see the sneers and hear the snide remarks that people make about him, and that saddens us. But we also see the joy he brings to others too. Caleb has enriched our lives with stories much like the ones I have shared today. He wants to travel. He loves animals. He wants to race cars. He loves video games & Captain Underpants. He has a beautiful singing voice. He cries at cruelty and is jubilant when the good guys are victorious. He is a loyal friend and makes friends wherever we take him. Caleb’s condition doesn’t define him. It endears him to many. The more we are around him, the more he opens our eyes to the wondrous world he lives in and the innocence that is him.

The Couple on the Bus

by Lils | Essays, Our People

I’m a firm supporter of public transport – yay for saving the ozone layer and gas money! lol – and yesterday, when I got on the bus for my hour-and-a-bit-long commute home, I spotted a little, elderly couple huddled together in their seats, half way down the aisle. As I got closer, I realized with some surprise that I knew them.

They are good family friends we’d met over 20 years ago in church. Although we don’t see them often any more, we’ve stayed connected through their grown children and the occasional combined church activities. I love meeting up with them because even though their memory is going, and they move slower now and don’t speak as loud as they used to, they are always so warm and loving, and remind me of a time in my life – oh so long ago – of innocence and youth.

I stopped to talk with them – in my broken Samoan, thank goodness they know a little English, too – and learned that they had decided to use the free pass they get as senior citizens to go for a bus ride around the city. Really? I asked. And what part of Auckland had they travelled through so far today?

With beaming grins and animated gestures they mapped out their bus route as if it were a great adventure around the world. I couldn’t help but smile at their enthusiasm for something that, for me, was simply a way to get from home to work and back everyday. After a little more chit chat, I excused myself to sit in my usual spot at the very back of the bus.

Over the next hour or so, between checking my emails, napping, flicking through music and texting, I’d sneak glances at the elderly couple and recalled some of the things I knew about them.

Their youngest of 7 children was well into his thirties now, so that put them in the age range of late 70s early 80s, with something like 15 to 20 grandchildren. For as long as I’d known them, they’d lived in an area of South Auckland known for its poverty and crime, but their house was always spotless. Stepping onto their property was like walking into the garden of Eden with its manicured lawns and beautifully kept plants.

Not to say that their life was easy. I know they had their fair share of troubles over the years. Like a lot of us migrants to NZ, they struggled with language and cultural issues. Money was tight so they both worked long hours of menial labour. Their children weren’t always angels, especially through their teen years (hey, it’s a tough neighbourhood). I’m sure they had ups and downs in their marriage too – I remember the man being quite the character for a while – and they also had a few health problems between them to manage.

Sitting there on the bus though, they looked so… serene. I don’t think they said a single word to each other my entire ride home, but I noticed them gazing out the windows as if they were seeing this old town for the very first time. In a manner typical of older Samoan couples, they didn’t hold hands or lean on each other in unnecessary displays of affection, but if you paid close attention, you could still see the solidarity in their subtle body language: The Mrs looked tiny and snug between the window and her Mister, who had an arm propped against the seat in front of him, as if protecting their little cubicle from movement down the bus aisle.

This pair had been together for 50 or more years now, I calculated. I can only imagine what else they were able to communicate to each other in their own private, silent language, developed over so much time.

Geek as I am, hard as I try to be, in a moment of pure humanity, I couldn’t help but hope for the privilege of someday knowing that kind of love.

We arrived at my stop, and I paused to say goodbye to my old friends. They broke into bright, wrinkled smiles again, as if I’d woken them up from a sweet, distant dream. They told me to take care of myself, to send my love to my family, and that we’ll see each other again soon… and as they waved their farewells, I thought I saw their eyes well up a little bit.

I guess seeing me – someone they’d known since she was a child – all grown up now was yet another reminder of just how much they had experienced so far in this life… together.

This article first appeared a few days ago in my One Samoana Village blog.