by Wrydah Laulu | Essays, Our People
SASA. That was the first Samoan word that came to mind when asked the question, “What is your favorite Samoan word?”
ATUA, was the second.
Shouldn’t I have thought of GOD first?
Apparently, I need to be disciplined first, to understand the importance of God in my life. Or at least that’s what my twin deduced from my choice of words. I half way believe her logic.
I reckon if you take the time to think about all the Samoan words you know and use on the daily, you’d have a long list as well just because of their meaning and the frequency of use.
I asked my Samoanglish speaking son to tell me his favorite Samoan word and without hesitation he answered, “Tamā” (father)… it touched me so much because of how he said it, the sincerity of his voice.
SASA …. The first word I remember being told with such firmness and love at the same time, it will forever be that revolving word with a definition known only when spoken out loud.
“Sasa oe?” says mama with a smirk on her face to mean she’s giving you one chance to not do the wrong thing, or else she’ll take action.
“Sasa!” yells Misi at his dog dry humping a stranger’s leg.
“E sasa?” asks papa playfully as he pulls Mele down from trying to climb up an unsteady chair.
“Fia sasa?” threatened Siu to his little sister who refused to listen when told to stop spitting at him.
“Sasa gei oe” teases Sila as he runs after his little brother trying to get him to go shower before bed.
“Sasa” mocks the mala as he shoots a mischievous look at Sefa for inciting a conversation that will most likely end in favour of the mala.
“Sasa ou fela!” promises mama with such a look, if it could kill, you’d already be dead.
As you can see… SASA takes on a meaning only the person saying it could define with the look on their face and the intention in their voice.
—–
[Sasa = a light smack]
What’s your favourite word in your language?
by Wrydah Laulu | Essays, Our People
First and foremost, let’s define what a “heartache” is:
An emotion so mind blowing and heart-shattering that you just wanna walk into the ocean and keep walking till your lungs cease to work.
Are we straight on what a heartache is now? We’re not talking about your 3 month fling that didn’t work out because you can’t keep your wandering eye, tamed. No. We’re talking about a commitment you and another person made to one another and then something outrageous happened forcing you to part ways.
ONE … Cry your eyes out. Or rather, cry out all your saved up tears. Yeah, that’s a good way to look at it. All the tears you saved up for a “good cry” can now be used. There’s something in a human’s make up that allow the unloading of burdensome emotions to be done refreshingly thru crying. Don’t ask me why but have you ever cried your eyes out till you felt like you’d dried them up? Didn’t it feel good afterwards? No? Then you didn’t cry enough. Cry some more. Trust me, it helps. There’s no logical need for emotions to be bottled up once you’ve been broken… none. So release it and see if it don’t make you feel loads lighter.
TWO … Eat a good fatty meal. Most times when we’re broken hearted, we lose interest in the basic functions that keep us alive… eating, sleeping, showering, etc… If you can mindfully get yourself a good hearty 3 course meal, devour it, get yourself in that “food-coma” feeling… aahh man! Thawing yourself from that gives you time enough to release the tension of pain that’s drowning you from inside. Trust me, it helps. It isn’t something you want to do every day, oh no! Just once or twice when you’re going thru the motions. Don’t make it a habit coz you’ll not only be heartbroken, but you’ll be an overly obese one at that.
THREE … Have random sex. Ok this one is a bit tricky coz some of you reading this are not too good about the wording “random” … uhm, ok, let’s skip this one and we’ll re-visit it again… there’s still seven steps left. We’ll see how we come back to this… if may just be one for the Scorpions *wink wink*
FOUR … Delete them from your ONLINE activities. Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, etc… whatever you’ve got them on or whatever you two had accounts that was shared delete it now! Change ALL your passwords on everything: Emails, SoundCloud, Netflix, Voicemail, etc… EVERYTHING. All electronic devices, all wireless activities you have, change ALL your access codes, etc… Most of the “things” you two shared has an everlasting connection to this person that you are BROKEN over. Since it is physically (and emotionally) impossible to UN-break something (or someone), the only thing left to do is to remove and discard what it was that broke it. In this case, delete their electronic prints from your life.
FIVE … Choose a NEW activity for yourself. Something that you did not do together but have always had an interest in… do it now and do it by yourself. Don’t pick up another “potential” right now… this time is YOUR time so make the most of it. For example, do you like dancing? Learn how to dance the hula professionally … or even get one of your girlfriend’s cousin’s sister that does it professionally to hook you up and teach you how to hula. Something DIFFERENT and NEW just for YOU. You don’t have to scratch off all your other activities you had before with your EX but keep away from doing it with them directly. If you use to play volleyball together, go find another gym to play at or try another game with other types of balls. There’s plenty to choose from. Soccer, Tennis, Rugby, etc…
SIX … Keep a journal. If you’re like most heartbroken people, we close out the world. We don’t want to talk to anyone let alone have someone talk to us, telling us all the cliché things people say to other people going thru heartache and pain: time heals; eFF em they didn’t deserve you; they’ll come back; maybe this is for the best; AND ON and ON and ON …. You ain’t got time for that mess. BUT you do have time with yourself so WRITE OUT your emotions… the pain, the frustrations, the angst, the disgust … write it all out. It’s therapeutic really… writing is. Most people don’t know this but writing truly is one of the best methods of healing. It’s also fun to keep it around for months or years even, come back to it and read how you felt or what kind of person you were when you were going thru that ordeal. Some of us grow emotionally and become stronger afterwards; some become bitter… don’t be bitter, just wRyyyyde it out 🙂
SEVEN … Make TIME for YOU. Some people think that the best way to heal a broken heart is to hop right into another relationship. Fill the void quickly so you don’t feel so much pain. Yeah no, that’s not a good idea. It’s like filling a hole in the ground of dirt with water… all you get it mud. See? More mess than necessary. Take this time alone to appreciate who you are, alone. There’s a difference to being “LONELY” and being “ALONE”. Don’t get it twisted. You can be around a crowd of people and still feel lonely. Being alone is a choice. A decision consciously made NOT to dwell on the broken heart but to realize that being ALONE allows you to be exactly WHO and WHAT you are, no holds bar. Leave the toilet seat up or down, or take it off the hinges. Sing off key in the car and sing loudly! Eat only the meat and push the veggies to the side. Eat breakfast for dinner AND lunch. Do whatever makes you LAUGH OUT LOUD. Appreciate your quirkiness that you’ve hidden because it was too weird to share it with someone else.
EIGHT … Okay let’s go back to that RANDOM sex part. Are you a virgin saving yourself for your future spouse? Ok, you can SKIP this part… but if you wanna stay to sneak a peek, I won’t tell. Sex is (for the most part) the last part of oneself that they share with the other person… so it’s been said *coughs. If you want to “heal yourself” from this brokenness you’re going thru… this is the part you want do first and ONLY. Get it? No relationship seeking with this act. Just do the deed, hopefully it’s enjoyable, say thank you and get to stepp’n. Don’t dwell on this act… it’s an innate process that helps in the healing. Still don’t get it? Ok, listen… when we’re broken and left dismayed and wounded, our first feeling is abandonment and with that comes the questioning of our desirability… is ANYONE going to want me anymore? The quicker you squash the doubt of appeal, the faster you can go on to the rest of the healing process. It WAS number three but sometimes, I forget not all women are Scorpions and not all men are Dogs 🙂
NINE … Make a CHANGE in your appearance. It doesn’t matter if it’s your hair color or hair style, but change something about you that makes people STOP and take a second look at you. Don’t be overly dramatic to the point it makes you look insane. Even a subtle change in your everyday look will have others pause and smile if nothing else, just to let you know, they noticed. For men, it could be a different tie color? Something you’d not normally wear. Or a different way you style your hair. Maybe new shoes that give you a lift? Make you look taller. Have others look UP to you to smile and even if they can’t figure it out, it’s a good ice breaker to get people to stop and chat a bit. A change you make about yourself that attracts a positive reaction, is all part of the healing process letting you know, change can be good.
TEN … Forgive yourself. Then forgive whomever broke your heart. Not the religious type? You don’t have to be religious to forgive. Start with forgiving yourself… even if you’re not the cause of the break up, you were still half a part of the whole, thus making half of the break, your fault. We don’t realize it when it happens but we always take up half (if not all) of the blame for a failed relationship. So start with giving yourself a break… some things in life, weren’t meant to last forever. When you’ve settled your guilt to being free… Free your EX from whatever they did, to you, to the family, to the kids, to whomever else was involved with the break up. There is an ABSOLUTE freedom that comes with allowing yourself to FORGIVE someone who’s wronged you. Don’t believe me? Try it. I guarantee, if you forgive whole heartedly and sincerely… you will feel the weight of the world, FALL from your shoulders. There’s NO logic in holding on to hatred or guilt or resentment when it can NEVER un-BREAK your broken heart.
Technically there’s only NINE listed coz the random sex part got revisited so imma use these next few lines as a personal testimony from yours truly 🙂 so that you reading, know that the ME that’s writing knows a little about this subject matter I’m keying on. For me? It’s hard to take advice about being an alcoholic from someone’s who’s not drank a drop of liquor in their life… feel me? You can counsel from books of teaching but you can’t speak from the heart about something that you’ve not lived thru. I’ve lived thru TWO major heartbreaks in my life and I am proof in anyone’s pudding that … there IS healing for hearts that break in two or in pieces.
I was married for 10 yrs to my high school sweetheart. We have two beautiful sons that are 9 yrs apart. Our first born solidified my commitment to my husband, if nothing else did. Our second born was the last in a number of failed pregnancies, forced abortions and tragic miscarriages. For ten years I held on to a man that refused to love me completely, while in the same breath claiming he couldn’t live without me. His infidelity thru out our marriage broke me into so many pieces, I bounced back stronger than ever from each one. The last act that finally shattered my heart was when he questioned if he was the father of when I was pregnant in our 9th year of marriage. Putting aside the fact that it was his adultery with numerous women that broke up our home numerous times… he had the audacity to accuse me of being unfaithful. Not wanting to break up my kids, I stayed married until after our 2nd child was born so he could see for himself that he was wrong… then I went and filed for divorce.
My second break? I’m still trying to healing from 🙂
When it’s all said and done… the process of healing lies in YOUR choices. Do you want to be free of the pain that’s driving you mad? Do you wish to continue grinding your teeth whenever you see your EX? Do you like all that UN-necessary drama in your life? No? Then make a choice to allow healing into your life starting with one simple act . . . just breathe.
by Wrydah Laulu | Our People
“Dementia isn’t a specific disease. Instead, dementia describes a group of symptoms affecting memory, thinking and social abilities severely enough to interfere with daily functioning” ~ Mayo Clinic
I’m not a licensed professional or certified caregiver for Dementia and/or Alzheimer patients. I am a daughter whose mother has been living with dementia for 3 years now. That gives me a little more than just common knowledge about being a caregiver. I’m here to share my experiences in caring for our elderly as well as shed more light on dementia.
Every patient (loved one) is different and each family has their own unique dynamic so mine may not be the same as yours, but what I’ve learned is that the condition remains the same and dealing with it should be along the same guidelines.
It’s been a long, trying road we’ve had to travel these past few years but I can honestly say that today, we’re better equipped to handle mom’s condition than we were three years ago. Now, in saying that, I can also say with every fiber of my being that it does NOT get easier… for you or them… but it does get better.
When you learn how to handle the fits and tantrums, it becomes – I gotta pause here to take a deep breath – less frustrating to deal with them.
Like any trade, caregiving is about having the right tools and knowing how to use them properly in a timely fashion. Your skills will become better, but their deteriorating state of mind will not ever become easier for you or them.
Here are some ways I’ve learned to cope everyday with mom’s dementia:
ACCEPT IT… the hardest part was for me to face the fact mom was no longer going to be that strong independent woman any more. She used to do everything on her own: cooking, cleaning, bathing, ironing, exercising, etc…
It wasn’t until she nearly burned down my sister’s apartment that we finally came to terms about her condition. Mom was cooking her lunch one day and after taking the teapot from the burner, she forgot to turn it off. Luckily my brother-in-law came home early that day and turned it off before anything happened.
Denying my mom had a memory problem was easy for me… easier than thinking her mind is slowly but surely fading to the point that she may not remember who I am someday. That is what hurt the most and that is what woke me up!
When your loved one is diagnosed with dementia, there isn’t much you can do about it. Short of asking God for a miracle of a newer, younger brain for your loved one, it’s pretty much a done deal.
Accepting it and dealing with it EARLY will benefit you and your loved one much more than staying in denial. Prolonging this first step hurts more than it helps… trust me! Yes it’s hard. Yes you won’t (initially) know how to deal with it. Yes it hurts.
But if they don’t have you and your acceptance, who do they have?
LEARN IT… be proactive in learning the early signs that your loved one’s condition may be worsening… it’s much better than being caught off guard, having to react nervously and/or wrongfully towards your loved one.
When our loved ones get older, it’s natural they forget things now and again, but when it’s something that may hurt them, like forgetting to take their diabetes or blood pressure medication, then we have to take over that specific task for them.
Make sure you understand how or where their dementia stemmed from. It makes a difference in how you care for them. You don’t have to learn everything about dementia but you do need to learn more about how it affects your loved one.
Mom’s dementia was medication induced… meaning, all the medications she’s been taking for the past 30 years for her diabetes, hypertension, osteoporosis, and hypercholesterolemia finally took their toll on her mind.
I took over mom’s medical care about 7 years ago, when my older sister went full force for her master’s degree. It wasn’t fair to expect my sister to juggle work full time, school full time and still be home in time for mom, to make sure she wasn’t left alone too long.
Being the only sibling without a spouse and my kids were all grown up, I was the natural choice to take over mom’s care.
Seven years ago, mom was on 9 different medications totaling 13 pills she ingested daily. Today she’s on 5 oral meds – 10 pills a day – and 1 injection med. I administer her oral meds and my youngest son does her insulin injections in the evening while I’m at work.
There are three young men, two working women and one lady with dementia in our household. We’ve all had our turns with mom’s lying, manipulation and bullheadedness … we’ve all learned how to deal with her on our own terms also. Learn something new every day, guarantee!
SHARE IT… our People Do Not Turn Away from our elderly family members when they get sick… Our People turn TO each other! At least that’s what I was taught.
Dementia, if you’ve not experienced it yourself, is very hard to deal with.
Think of your parents (mom or dad) and how they are in their prime (say 45 to 65 years old), then close your eyes… and think of them lying to you about taking a shower when you can clearly smell their body odor.
Think of them hiding food in all sorts of unacceptable places so that only they can access it later, come to find out, they forgot where they hid that food.
Try picturing your loved one taking a shower, while fully clothed, and then calling you to ask, “What am I doing wrong?”
Imagine your parent waking you up early in the morning when you JUST got home from work to tell you someone urinated all over their bed and that you need to clean it up then punish whomever did it.
Like who does that?
Mom asks me nearly every day, maybe three or four times each day, “How old am I again?” Once in a while, I’ll text one of my sisters… “How old is mom again?”
Their replies depend on their mood … “tell her she’s 21 and take a picture of her reaction” Haha!
I don’t care for mom by myself but sometimes it feels as if it’s just me against her world and I’m losing. The house we live in today is the same house my parents bought in 1977 when we migrated from Tutuila; maybe that is why I have a tendency to fall back to thinking mom can do what she needs to do and I don’t have to watch her 24/7… wrong move.
That’s when she walks to the backyard, without shoes, accidentally locks the side door so that I have to get out the shower, shampoo everywhere, open up the door for her and then – while shampoo is dripping down my face – clean her feet coz they hurt from all the prickly things on the ground outside. AND THEN when I’m finished with her feet and I get up to go finish showering, she accuses me of taking too long in the bathroom, that’s why she went outside to the backyard to urinate… LIKE SHE’S A DUDE!
Oh my goodness, forgive me… even writing this out it’s upsetting me.
You see now the therapeutic aspects of SHARING your duties, chores and caregiving tasks? No one person can do this all by themselves.
Our people are so full of pride, they will more so suffer silently (thinking that’s how it is done) than to ask for help. If you keep this stuff bottled up inside, you’ll either implode, killing yourself, or you’ll explode and maybe even kill others. Either way, it serves no one any goodness. Sharing is Caring =)
WALK AWAY FROM IT… the only way to appreciate caring for someone you love is to give yourself space from them, temporarily. Caregiving is a job… an honest to goodness WORK in PROGRESS day in, day out.
So like any job, you have working hours and time off, right? No one ever works 24/7, 365 days a year… not realistically and not without paying the consequences of overworking yourself.
Whether it’s for a few hours every day or a few days a month, allow time for just you. Even the caregiver has to be taken care of from time to time.
Schedule time with other family members to come and be the caregiver for a while, and then you go take care of yourself. Leave without feeling guilty and enjoy yourself. You’ll always come back, so don’t think of it as abandoning your loved one… no matter what anyone says.
In addition to working a full time job, I also stay with mom during the day while everyone is at work and school. I think of my time at work as my “daily getaway” – otherwise it’ll feel as if I’m always on the clock… that would drive me crazy.
I’m an ER Coordinator at the hospital, a glorified secretary in the Emergency Department. If I’m being honest, what I have at home is no worse (maybe even better) than what most people I meet on the job got going on. Some nights, work is so bad, I can’t wait to come home, kiss my kids, hug my mom and snuggle with my dog.
The first time I left mom for more than a day, I felt so guilty, but when the kids and my sister texted to tell me how mom was having fun watching football and playing with the great-grand-babies, it allowed me to enjoy myself. Time apart is healthy for both parties.
PRAY FOR LOVE… you’re never going to have enough patience so don’t bother praying for it. You’re going to raise your voice and/or yell from time to time… that’s normal… almost expected.
You do, however, need to pray for LOVE, because…
“…love is patient, love is kind, love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; love does not remember wrong doings; it is not irritable or resentful; love rejoices in truth; love bears all things, hopes all things, endures all things; love never ends…”
We’re not saints, we’re humans and we will fall and fail and we will hate ourselves for something terrible we did while caring for our loved ones. So you must PRAY for love so that love helps us rise above our insecurities, our sins, our misconceptions.
There’s something enlightening about praying that overwhelms your heart and soothes your soul especially during the hard times of caring for those you love. I believe God is Love and Love has kept me from suicide, homicide, genocide.
I’ve learned that loving mom above and beyond my own limits is not meant to be a burden but a blessing. The more it hurts to love her, the more I realize the pain is meant to help me grow… help me become a better person… a bigger person that brushes off the pettiness of life.
Praying allows me peace when mom’s never ending questions drown my senses. The love I feel for mom is different now that I’m caring for her like she cared for me as a child. I’m back in the shoes of a mother soothing a frightened child with just the tone of my voice. A few key words that calm her anxieties and a look on my face she knows she can trust. I’ve become my mother and she, my child.
Mom and I understand our roles most days but when she forgets, it’s always challenging to get back on track. She doesn’t ever make it easy but that’s the fun in the challenge and the thrill in seeing how bringing her back to baseline makes your world amazing! I smile as much as I cry in awe of how much I love her more each day.
In summary, the best ways to care for someone with dementia is to accept the inevitable of their memory slowly fading, learn from your best tools how to care for them, share the responsibilities of caregiving with the rest of your family, make time to take care of yourself every so often so that you’re not overwhelmed or overworked and last but definitely not least, pray that love is always the reason you’ve chosen to care for your someone who’s been diagnosed with a condition they don’t even know they’re suffering from.
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